the crookedmouth top 5

The Ottawa Bluesfest* line-up was announced last week. As a loyal Bluesfest patron, I will use this week’s cmt5 to do some unpaid marketing for the event, perhaps making up for the multiple terabytes of music I’ve obtained through questionable means. The five bands below will be playing and you should go see them, lest I tell your friends that you’re a bed-wetting pussy who wouldn’t know good music if it shat on your head.

* For those of you unfamiliar with this festival, I should point out that Bluesfest is a big, fat misnomer. Although the festival started out featuring lots of black dudes in sunglasses and white dudes in leather vests, it now caters to those of us with more schizophrenic musical tastes, showcasing everything from jazz to indie rock, to world music, to hip-hop, to complete and utter musical nonsense (otherwise known as “experimental”).

Rush: Limelight, July 11, 8pm

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Whether you’re a Rush fan or not, you need to go to this show if only to be dazzled by their virtuoso performance skills. And as far as lyrical content goes, they’ve got something for everyone, touching on subjects ranging from science fiction to American literature. Plus, they’re Canadian and, according to my dad, this means that you must love them, support them, and feel that their musical success somehow reflects positively on you.

Passion Pit: Sleepyhead, July 10, 8:30pm

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Having one of the best albums of 2009 (Manners), Passion Pit is not to be missed, unless you want to take up permanent residence on my list of people who need to be curb-stomped. Bite the curb, motherfucker! Bite the curb!

Iron Maiden: Can I Play With Madness, July 6, 9pm

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If I have to explain why it’s important for you to see Iron Maiden, then you clearly haven’t been reading the cmt5 for very long. Not only will Bruce’s vocals tear your fucking face off, it’s quite possible that a giant animatronic Eddy will appear on stage, threatening to destroy the band and the audience. Then, if it’s anything like other Maiden concerts, Dave Murray will fight Eddy off using nothing but his awesome guitar skills, and the band and audience will be safe once more. So, on July 6, feather your hair, tattoo your knuckles, put on all the denim you own, and rock the fuck out.

Bear In Heaven: Lovesick Teenager, July 10, 5:45pm

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This concert is on a Saturday. Forget about the music – this is your chance to have plans on the weekend that don’t involve drinking alone and watching made-for-TV movies. When your co-workers ask how you spent your Saturday night, you could actually have something truthful to say. Think about how nice that would be for a change.

Arcade Fire: (Antichrist Television Blues), July 13, 9:30pm

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I’m going to this concert just to see how they manage to fit 7 people, a piano, guitars, bass guitars, drums, violins, a viola, a cello, a double bass, an xylophone, a glockenspiel, a keyboard, a French horn, an accordion, a harp, a mandolin and a hurdy-gurdy on stage all at once. Even if they don’t play a single song, I will be impressed.